Quality men on Match.com. This is the story.
Girl meets boy on Match. First date. Boy and girl hit it off. Laughed a lot. Stomach hurts. Tears streaming. A lot.
Second date. More laughing. First kiss. On tidal flats. All seems dreamy. Girl over-looks the fact that boy walks on his toes. Has OCD tendencies. Sweep. Sweep. Being swept off her feet.
Third, fourth, fifth date. It’s official. Dating. Have become intimate. Girl discovers more red flags. Clean shaven balls. His penchant for nakedness. His possible ADHD. His possible addiction to internet porn. Still lots of laughing. Red flags ignored. Sweep. Sweep.
First attempt at sleepover. Failed miserably. Girl learns boy thinks girls don’t fart or poop. Friend of girl suspects boy has been dating blow up dolls. Girl rethinks relationship with ADHD.
Date number…doesn’t matter. 3 weeks along. More red flags. ADHD confirmed. Boy can’t focus on making out. Mid-smooch (hot and heavy), boy decides girl has to watch a DVR’d TV show “right now!” Girl confused. Annoyed. Suspects boy also has issues with sex. Perhaps because she is not a blow up doll. Girl indulges ADHD/OCD boy. Watches stupid show. Boy attempts to make out again. Girl tells boy “shop is closed.” Boy is dumbfounded.
Date number…shoot me now. Boy brings girl flowers. Girl and boy snuggle on couch. Ah…smoopy. Girl rethinking relationship (again). Mid-snuggle. No warning. Boy stands up. Unzips his pants. Whips out his dick-n-balls. Shouts proudly, “look at my clean-shaven balls!” Girl shocked. Girl replays scene from the movie Step Brothers when Will Farrell teabags his brother Dale’s drum set. Girl also replays Sex in the City episode where Carrie is dating the ADD jazz musician. Girl thinks “what the fuck?”
Girl starts plotting the break-up discussion for next date.
Date day arrives. Girl gets text. Reads ”did you read my email?” Girl opens email. Reads “our relationship has run its course.” Girl shocked. HE broke up with ME by text AND email? Girl floored.
Girl relieved. Girl still convinced it’s because she is not a blow up doll. Girl recognizes that she dodged a bullet.
