Putting boys in my shopping cart

So, I have finally decided to commit to an online dating site. I chose Match.com and yes I know, it’s just a virtual bar where everyone’s dating and sleeping around with one another. But, part of my 2011 goal is to find a mate, and not just a mate, a guy that I actually connect with and could build a life with. It has nothing to do with eggs dying either – I don’t really want kids – I just want that special someone to share my life with. I’ve kissed enough toads, driven enough miles on the dating highway to know what I want and since men aren’t really approaching (typical Seattle guy style), I have to go hunting.

Now, one thing that’s great about online dating is the ability to add boys to your virtual shopping cart. Can’t say that about regular in-person dating! I mean, it would be awesome to go to some store and while grocery shopping you also throw in a guy who’s tall, dark, handsome, funny, disease free and wants to do nothing more than please this person who wants to take this purchase home. LOL!

Having the ability to add boys to your online shopping cart gives you a huge advantage over “shopping” live in bars. First and foremost, there are no beer googles in online dating. Well, that’s not true. There might be a few drunk lonely nights where you make bad decisions like emailing the bathroom-mirror-self-portrait-shirt-off-ab-flexor guy, but at least you don’t GO HOME with this guy, which is a likely scenario when “shopping” live in bars. Then you wake up the next day without the beer googles and realize that he’s also the Fabio-wanna-be-guy wearing a speedo. You recoil and scream “WTF happened last night? Who are you? Where am I and OMG I think I’m going to throw up!” 

See how the online shopping cart is a good thing? It gives you time to think about making that “purchase” vs. buying on impulse. It’s like window-shopping or being able to put something like a pair of jeans or a flat screen T.V. “on hold” overnight to see if that desire to purchase is still as strong the next day.

Shirt off ab-flexer-guy

I am cracking up at the photos guys post on these online dating sites. There’s the:

Shirt off ab-flexer-guy (of course). Note that often times these guys also “forget” to include a photo of their actual face, which is suspect. So unless you plan on just having conversations with his stomach, he’s likely been hit with the ugly stick. Also note that usually the ab-flexer-guy is also bathroom mirror self-portrait guy (see below).

Bathroom mirror self-portrait guy. This shot screams out “Hey baby…I really like to look at myself in the mirror, so you should too!” It also forces me to ask a number of questions like how much time do you spend in the bathroom…alone…flexing, posing or spankin’ the monkey…eek!

Shotgun wielding guy. Uh…no comment.

Obscure images guy. If you’ve somehow managed to distort the image of you so much that I can’t even tell what you look like, you will not be added to my shopping cart. I don’t care how cool it was that you superimposed an image of an orange peel over your face or vice versa, I don’t want to date a fruit.

Photo of you on the horizon guy. If I can’t see you because you’re the size of an ant on the horizon, I won’t date you. I guess that makes me shallow. Or, maybe I’m just smart. 

Fabio-wanna-b-guy. If your hair is longer than mine and you’re wearing a Speedo while lying on the beach as waves crash over your body, you’ve got no chance in hell buddy. None at all.

Guys – if you want my advice – which you probably don’t, but since this is my blog I’ll give it to you anyway – get a friend to take a picture of you and if you don’t have friends, go find one. Keep your shirt on, cut your hair, don’t wear a Speedo, and avoid showcasing your weapons of mass destruction.